Borchardt Consulting

Some People Make Me So Mad!

Posted on: November 16, 2011

Do you ever read the comments at the end of an on-line newspaper article?  I do.  Apparently, lots of people comment on newspaper articles.  Sometimes, those comments just make me want to scream.  I recently read an article from NPR entitled “Co-Sleeping is Back in the News”.

The author, Barbara J. King was commenting upon the fact that a baby died while sleeping in bed with his breastfeeding mother.  The cause of death was listed as “a co-sleeping accident”. This article was a fairly unbiased commentary on co-sleeping.  While there is much about this article that I would choose to comment on, I’ll pass by that for now and go directly to the comments.

nothing is forever  wrote:

responsible parents never roll over their babies it is not optimism but truth if it is not true humans would have been extinct by now…..from time immemorial babies slept with their parents that gives the parents and the child a bond which we is very important. When a baby dies with mother rolling over the baby it is news because it is very uncommon………….

WHAT!  Where do you get your information?  After nearly 20 years of working with newly bereaved parents whose infants have died, it’s not all that uncommon.  Every single day my fax machine will turn on with at least one death report for an infant.  When a baby dies due to an overlay or accidental suffocation, some parents are too grief stricken and guilt-ridden to tell the world.  It is a horrible accident.

Leah  wrote:

I slept in the bed with all three of mine when they were babies and never rolled on any of them. The elephant in the room here is the *size* of the parent, I’d wager.

Wow!  That’s certainly judgmental.   Having your children survive might just make you incredibly lucky – not right. Why is it necessary to vilify parents who experienced a horrible tragedy?  In order to separate yourself (you’re right and they are wrong), it’s apparently necessary to make them fat, drug using, alcoholics.  Research has shown us that some of the reasons that you should NOT bedshare are using  drugs (even over-the counter drugs like cold medication), alcohol,  smoking and being overweight.   But the list is actually much, much longer.  No one wants to be
the bed room police. The Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine actually has protocols for breastfeeding mothers to co-sleep.  You can check them out here.

Brow Master wrote:

You don’t need a doctors opinion on this just listen to your own mother or grandmother.

I’m sure that your mother would be happy to hear that you believe she is always right; however, changes in childrearing occur because research
continues to give us more information, new products are discovered and even our children change. I’d wager that your mother did not put her children in a car seat.  There was probably lead paint on the crib that she used.  I played on construction sites, drank out of garden hoses and ate white bread with butter and sugar for lunch, but I certainly wouldn’t want my grandchildren to do that.

Jerry wrote:

From an evolutionary perspective, survival requires co-sleeping. For most of human history, sleeping away from your parents would most likely result in your becoming food for predators.

I wonder if the any of the studies factor in the size of the mother. There are some women walking around here even I wouldn’t feel safe sleeping next to.

Excellent point – Evolution. Defined as  1. any process of formation or growth; development. 2. A product of such development. 3. Biology.
Change in the gene pool of a population from generation to generation by such processes as mutation, natural selection, and genetic drift. 4. A process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development, as in social or economic structure or institutions.

In short, evolution means change.  I can’t speak for everyone, but in my neighborhood, I don’t have to worry about lions eating my children.  We have heat in our home so I don’t have to keep them close for heat.  I sleep in an America style comfortable bed, not on a dirt floor.  Sometimes, we outgrow our evolutionary history.  Some call that progress.  As to the other point about a woman’s weight – that’s just mean.  Most women who have recently given birth to a baby are carrying a bit of extra weight.

Candida  wrote:

I am sorry for this mother though it may be that the baby would have still passed or passed sooner had it been in a crib. The majority of the worlds culture co-sleep.

Back to that.  I don’t live in a third-world country (most of the world’s population).  Also, please don’t ever say something like
that to a bereaved parent.  We all die eventually but you have no way of knowing that this baby would die under other circumstances.

jpett88 wrote:

“3 million years of human evolution have prepared you for it.”

My favorite product of millions years of human evolution is the frontal cortex of the brain, which allows [most] humans to think rationally. It’s why we buckle our seatbelts in cars. Why we avoid drinking antifreeze. And probably why we shouldn’t sleep in the same bed as our babies, given the evidence. Bed-sharing is probably on par with opting out of vaccinations. Low risk but
high stakes. It’s a parenting choice, of course.

There are no right answers. Just safer answers.

AMEN! Excellent answer!  There are no right answers.  Just safer answers.  As a parent, you get to decide for your family what works best for you.  Consider, are you putting the comfort of the parents ahead of the safety of the child?   Babies are dying – unnecessarily.  As the parent, you get to chose what is right for your baby and for your family.  Make an informed choice and don’t for a minute think that it only happens to “bad” people.  It happens in every racial, ethnic, economic group.  It happens to loving parents who desperately wanted a baby.  Luckily, it doesn’t happen to most of us.  But, most people do know someone who has had a baby die.  That family deserves your sympathy, empathy and support.  Not your judgment.

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.   Sophia Loren, from Women and Beauty

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1 Response to "Some People Make Me So Mad!"

The comments section of articles are the worst part. I don’t read them because many are inflammatory. The anonymity gives many the notion that they can say whatever they want.

I wonder why co-sleeping is such a hot-button? It is my belief that parents do for their children what they feel is best. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. The data can show both sides, depending what side of the issue you’re on. 39% of babies who died of SIDS one year were co-sleeping, which is what you will hear from the crib faction. Which meant that 61% were in cribs, the statistic you’ll hear from co-sleepers.

It is sad to me that bereaved parents should ever have to face the kinds of comments that you listed here. So sad.

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